Coaching People How to Comfort Those Who Are Mourning
In Biblical Counseling I have needed to set aside the planned lesson for the session from time to time when I have a counselee who asks how they can give comfort to someone they know, who is mourning. This is a teachable moment that we can show how to apply Biblical principles to a very sensitive need. Our culture is horrible at mourning. Christians need to learn how to show the love of Jesus and how not to give quick and short answers that may only cause more pain, grief and resentment.
Step One: Slow down. Slow way way down.
When someone is mourning our flesh feels awkward and wants to hurry up and push through the pain and get the person “over it”. We don’t want to feel bad and the person mourning who is feeling bad is making us feel bad so we want to get them past it so we feel better. This is sinful and harmful in so many ways.
We can learn a lesson from Job’s friends:
Job 2:13
Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. And no one said a word, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words.
Those who know the rest of the story, know that Job’s friends sinned greatly against Job later on with their judgments and accusations. But they started out well by simply being silent and sitting with Job in his pain and suffering with him. They didn’t get into trouble until they started opening their mouths and giving their words of wisdom.
Our world is too busy and fast and loud. We have grown so accustomed to this that it is very unsettling for us to have to slow down and sit with someone and suffer with them. If we can sit down and be silent and simply be there with the person who is mourning for even 5 to 10 minutes in silence we can show them much good, care and Christ like love.
Remember Ecclesiastes 7:2
It is better to go to a funeral than to a party. For you are going to die, and you should think about it while there is still time.
Step Two: Be sad with them.
Romans 12:15
When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow.
I am convinced that some of the most foolish things ever said have been at the end of the line in a funeral home. Many people in their awkwardness think that their job is to “cheer-up” the person who is mourning. According to Romans 12:15 we should read what the mood is of the person we are wanting to comfort and take their lead. If they are sad we need to, in as few words as possible, express our grief for their loss and assure them of our care towards them. If they want to recall something happy about their lost loved one we can gently join in, but we are to take their lead. Don’t try and tell them to “look on the bright side”. Making up scenarios of how the deceased are better off dead than alive. And don’t make quick calls like “they are in a better place”. Unless you are absolutely sure from personal discussions that the deceased was in a full on loving Jesus with all their heart relationship. Don’t assume things you do not know. Our judgments cannot send people to Heaven or cast them to hell. Only God knows the heart of man.
Step Three: Assure the mourner it is okay to mourn.
Matthew 5:4
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
In our culture people who are mourning often feel left behind because they are not getting “over it”. They feel like they are broken and of diminished value. God’s Ways are much different. He wants us to lean heavily into Him with our mourning and receive His comfort. Mourning should actually cause us to grow more intimate with Jesus so don’t try and rush through mourning. Take time and grow closer to God in your mourning.
In cases of miscarriage or loss of a child.
2nd Samuel 12:23
But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.
These are words of David that he spoke when Bathsheba lost the first born child that she and David conceived in adultery. There is a promise in this passage that points us to our hope that when we lose a child that we who are in Jesus will see them again.
In cases of repentant abortion.
Women who have had abortions carry a heavy burden. This sin burden can be lifted like all sin burdens. We own our sin. We repent of our sin and make a determined effort to not return to that sin in the future. We ask for forgiveness from God. We accept and receive His forgiveness. Once these steps are taken, now a person can properly mourn for the loss of their child and receive God’s comfort. Often women have so much torment over their decision to murder their child. If they can own their sin by calling it what it is (murder), now they can work through repentance and forgiveness. But then it is proper and healing for them to mourn apart from the guilt of killing their child. They need to mourn to receive the fullness of comfort that God has for them. And know they will see their child in heaven.
