Challenges with Mercy in Addiction Liberation
Problem:
God has blessed me with the opportunity to Biblically Counsel with men who reside at a Christian sober-living home. In a sober-living home there are individual who relapse. It is part of the process. It has been interesting seeing this home grow from 3 to 20 men, over the past few years. With this growth the secondary fall-out from one individual’s relapse often has a multiplier effect. What I mean is if one man relapses usually one, two or others will relapse right behind him, especially if any mercy is shown to the first person who relapses. The mind-set of the secondary fall-out men is, “If he can drink/use and get away with it, then why am I trying so hard. I should just get drunk/use myself. What does it matter.”
Here is how I am starting to see this issue from a Biblical perspective and how and what I am trying to teach to dampen this secondary fall-out response. I am open to learning from others who have tried different approaches with success.
Individual Relapse:
A person who makes the choice to relapse is making a choice to sin and to allow Satan’s game strategy of Kill, Steal and Destroy to prevail (see John 10:10). They may have had some hard challenges and temptations, but they decided to retreat to sin. Sometimes they just get bored with the sober life and long for what they used to go to for comfort and joy. What it boils down to is that they have chosen to be filled with alcohol/drugs instead of being filled with the Holy Spirit (see Ephesians 5:18).
Mercy or Judgment for the Individual:
Once the relapse is discovered (and it is always discovered), it is time to manage the issue. A decision has to be made whether to extend mercy with borders or to execute judgement and kick the man out of the program.
Mercy with Borders:
Retained in the program.
Loss of privileges.
Restricted freedom.
Increased surveillance (testing).
Warning of consequences of future relapse.
A period of time established for this process.
or Transported to an alternative support facility.
He may be able to return after a set period of time has passed and he demonstrates repentance and is sober.
Execute Judgment:
Expulsion from the facility.
Family of friends come and get him.
Transported to temporary housing (weekly rate hotel).
Transported to a homeless shelter.
Leaves the facility on his own.
Escorted off the grounds with police assistance.
The decision whether to show mercy with borders or to execute judgment is based upon if there is repentance or rebellion. If the relapsed man shows rebellion the decision to execute judgment is fairly simple. If the relapsed man shows remorse then you must dig deeper and see if the repentance is Godly or if it is worldly remorse.
2nd Corinthians 7:10
For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death.
Godly Repentance:
Takes ownership of sin.
Demonstrates a regret over sin, not a regret of getting caught.
In agreement with God that he doesn’t want to live that way.
Shows a hunger for turning back to God.
Worldly Remorse:
Makes excuses for sin.
Minimizes the gravity of the sin.
Regrets getting caught.
Trying to manage and minimize being disciplined.
A decision has to be made if the person is in Godly repentance or worldly remorse. If he shows worldly remorse, then this falls in the category of hidden rebellion and executing judgment is wise. If the person seems to be showing signs of Godly repentance, the door is open that they can receive mercy with borders. I suggest if it is unclear mercy with boarders can be applied. If the person has deceived you and is in worldly remorse it usually take less than a month for that to be evident.
Numbers 32:23
Be sure your sins will find you out
But choosing Mercy with Borders does open the door to temptation for the other men in the home.
Secondary Fall-Out (Others following in relapse):
The secondary fall-out comes when mercy with borders is applied. There can be, but not as likely to have a secondary fall-out if executing judgment occurs. This is the main focus of this blog. Others, who relapse, usually relapse when mercy with borders is applied. It is getting to be so predictable. If one person relapses and mercy with borders is applied there may be one to three others that soon relapse right behind him.
I have asked men who were the original person to relapse if they ever considered the harm they were doing to the other men when they chose to return to sin? The answer is, “No”. When I press them with the truth that their sin tempted others to sin the usual response is, “I did not think about that.” This is not something to take lightly or to minimize. Jesus taught very clearly;
Matthew 18:7
How terrible it will be for anyone who causes others to sin. Temptation to do wrong is inevitable, but how terrible it will be for the person who does the tempting.
I believe that a man who relapses in a sober-living home, brings temptation to others to relapse. A minimizing attitude demonstrates that the man who was shown mercy with borders actually was in worldly remorse rather than Godly repentance.
So when a decision to extend mercy with borders is made there is much more management and damage control that will need to be implemented for the protection of the other men in the house. Executing Judgment is a much safer option concerning the other men in the sober-living home. The other men feel safer when they know clearly the punishment they will receive if they choose to relapse. They are not tempted to follow in sin;
Ecclesiastes 8:11
When a crime is not punished, people feel it is safe to do wrong.
But I also believe if we just hold to a zero-tolerance policy, that we are missing an opportunity to teach the men to learn the beauty of God’s mercy.
Men who take comfort from Executing Judgment:
In a world based sober-living home there is no problem with men taking comfort from knowing the rules will be enforced. The facility and the men gain benefit from having less to manage concerning relapse. But God’s Ways are much different than the world’s ways.
Ezekiel 18:23
Do you think, asks the Sovereign Lord, that I like to see wicked people die? Of course not! I only want them to turn from their wicked ways and live.
But this needs to be balanced with:
1 Corinthians 13:6
It (love) is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
So the men need to understand that we do “Reap what we sow”, but we are not to take joy in seeing someone suffer from their sinful harvest. We can take comfort that truth and justice prevailed and no one got away with anything, but we are not to take joy in another person’s suffering. We need to pray that the relapsed man will turn back to Godly ways and receive renewed life.
Men who struggle from being on the backside of Favoritism:
When mercy with borders is exercised, often the men who struggle the most are those who grew up in a home that showed favoritism and they were not the favorite. Their knee-jerk response is, “Oh sure, they will bend the rules for Xyz, but they would not do that for me. They would kick me out.” For many of these men, they turned to alcohol/drugs to cope with the pain of being the “lessor than” in the family. So when mercy with borders is shown all they see is favoritism and rejection. It is important to show these men that favoritism is a sin:
Romans 2:10-11
But there will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good – for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism.
It is important that God not showing favoritism does have a qualifier. There is no favoritism for all who do good. If a person choses to sin they should not hope to be overlooked when judgment comes.
When dealing with man I am confident in calling favoritism a sin. I know that God showed favor to Jacob and Isaac showed favor to Esau and Jacob showed favor to Joseph. God can show blessing and honor to who He wills. With man when favoritism is show it always comes with discord, brokenness, rejection and anger. So to help men who equate mercy with favoritism I call favoritism sin. I show them how they have benefited from mercy and grace in their own lives. I also ask that they pray that God gives them hearts to be merciful so that they can also receive mercy.
When the man shown mercy is reintegrated:
When the man who has been extended mercy is allowed to stay it is important not to try and keep it a secret. I have never witnessed trying to cover up the sin of relapse to be successful. Those who struggle with addiction are keenly aware of when someone relapses. The men in the house often know when someone has relapsed way before the staff. So I do not believe trying to cover this sin is a healthy or potentially successful option.
The man who relapses and is shown mercy should repent and ask for forgiveness individually to each resident for not showing love or concern for their well-being. Not all men will be able to forgive immediately nor should they be forced to forgive on the spot. They need to have time to process and even observe if the repentance is genuine Godly repentance or if it is simply worldly repentance.
What if a relapsed man has Godly repentance and is Executed Justice?
This is not as bad as it seems on the surface. If their repentance is genuine it will not change whether they are shown mercy or judgment. It is wise to give them 30 days expelled from the facility and they can reapply for entry if they are sober and clean. The men in the house generally have respect for the relapsed man who comes back if he has a humble, repentant and thankful heart.
The larger the facility the greater the risk with Mercy with Borders:
The more men you are dealing with the more work has to go into managing the fall-out from showing mercy with borders. I understand why larger facilities don’t try it. But it is a learning opportunity if extended. A commitment to Biblically counsel and teach all involved must be made and kept if there is going to be hope for a good outcome without others falling into relapse.v
